Goodbye 2017, hello 2018!!!!

First of all I am grateful for the outpouring of love and support on my last post. The comments, text messages, private messages and phone calls I received in response, reminded me that I am loved by many people and that the reflections of certain people does not and should not define me. So thank you all for coming alongside me and giving me some encouragement! I know who really does love me and support me.

Usually I have a post published on New Year’s Eve but that didn’t happen. I have been spending A LOT of time at the house painting that I didn’t have time for this. So here is my annual year in review and hopes for the new year!!!

2017 wasn’t nearly as bad as 2016, but then again I don’t think I will ever experience another year like 2016, well I pray I don’t anyway, that was awful and should never be experienced more than once in a lifetime!!! As I learned to navigate the ups and downs and wrestle with my demons, I watched certain things grow stronger. And while I am far from perfect in anything, I am learning to navigate the pitfalls that come my way one moment at a time!

Some of the highlights to 2017……Keara finished up her last season of dance. Which means the girls and I had our final all girls trip to the cities for a dance competition. We are talking about keeping the tradition up and still going for a weekend getaway and have some fun! We totally enjoyed our time together and created some awesome memories!!! We made the hard choice to sell our acreage and move back to city life. 😥😥 so on July 7th, we drove away from the home we had been at for 11 years.  With our memories in hand we embarked on a new adventure!!! We broke ground and started building our new home. We are still working on getting it done, but the end is near!!! I have removed some toxic relationships from my life and am focusing on the more positive ones and making them the best they can be. Namely my husband and my kids!!! Another highlight….I celebrated 8 years since my stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis. That one STILL blows my mind!!!! I didn’t get my bible read all the way thru again in 2017 like I did in 2016, but am gonna try to do so in this new year. My son started high school, my daughter got homecoming queen and my youngest is trying her hand at basketball this winter instead of dance.

What are some of my hopes and goals for 2018? Well first and foremost is to work on my relationship with Christ, less time on social media and more time in His word. Read the Bible all the way thru this year. Lose the weight that I have put on with this house build, and focus more on my health than I have in the past year, better eating and running again. Chop will graduate from high school in may 😳 and then it will be off to college as a jackrabbit 🙄. We will once again take a family vacation to the destination of her choice before she spreads her wings and flies off into adulthood. My youngest, my baby, will enter high school in the fall, so my last two children at home will be in 9th and 10th grade 😭. My word, time needs to seriously slow down, my kids are growing up so fast. Jason and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage this year on October 3rd. Trust me when I say….that in itself is a miracle. Only by God’s grace and mercy have we made it this far, because some of the things that we have been thru would have torn other couples apart but God has really seen us thru some dark valleys and honestly without Him and our dependence on Him we wouldn’t have made it.

Some personal goals for myself this new year? Take a few photography classes to learn how to work that fancy camera I have. Step out in faith and help those who are hurting and need a shoulder to lean on. Pour myself into my husband, kids, family and friends and become a better version of me than in the past. Heal some of the demons from my past, and perhaps start writing a book.

So many things I am wanting to do and some highlights that will be coming up this year. But for this month (January) I’m most focused on getting the house done and moved into before my son’s 15th birthday! I will try and get some pictures posted this week before the flooring guys come in and lay the tile and carpet.

I hope you all had a fun and safe New Year’s Eve! I pray that 2018 will be a year filled with many blessings for each of you reading this!!! May the God of peace surround you today and into the year! Here’s to an AWESOME 2018!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

In Christ’s love,

Cathi

Exposing the wolf in sheep’s clothing

What a bizarre title for this post….but it is something that has stuck with me for the past 11 years since a huge fight divided my family and has stayed that way even to this day.

My brother, Mike, always said that our parents, especially our mother was the wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I tried to make the best of a bad situation and try to see my parents for who they were.  Flawed humans who did the best they could with the resources they had to raise us. But what he said always stuck with me.  In June of this year, that brother and I started to work on our relationship.  We hadn’t spoken in over 7 years but it has always been my hearts desire to reconcile with him before I died.  God has a way of making those things happen in HIS timing and not mine and I am grateful that He has opened that door for us to begin to rebuild and that is what we have been doing for the past 6 months.  Never have I held it against him, instead I just asked that God would allow us to have a relationship again some day, even though I knew that no one else would be as forgiving or wanting to make amends.  That’s fine, to each their own!

This summer, 4 days after we moved into the camper, I had a HUGE blowup fight with my mother, Linda.  I no longer call her mother, she may have given birth to me but that is where it ends.  She is no longer allowed in my life and my kids had the choice to stay in touch with her if they wanted, but after today, Jason and I BOTH decided that until our children are adults we will do whatever it takes to protect our kids from that woman, not that it matters anyway, she hasn’t had anything to do with them since the fight anyways.  She told my two oldest girls to leave her alone, so that is what they did.  They did as she asked, left her alone, but I will be blamed for her not seeing them or talking to them, sorry people, that was HER choice.  But now she doesn’t have that choice.  Until my younger 3 turn 18 they will have no contact with her.

After the blowup I read a book that completely opened my eyes, “Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers” by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.  In every page I turned, everything I read was me and my “relationship” with her.  I realized who Linda was as a person and all the things that she has done to me my whole life.  Trust me when I say this is the BEST thing for me, mentally, emotionally and physically.  People see Linda as this wonderful woman who loves her family and would do anything and everything for them.  unfortunately that is NOT the case with me.  She is in fact the opposite.  If you cross her, don’t bow down to her demands or if you stand up to her, she will cut you off at the knees.  She is never wrong, she never does anything wrong and any fight or upset in the family is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS my fault.  I am the cause, period.  Here are a few things that maybe you didn’t know about (because I wanted to see the best of my mother even in her flaws and never talked about it)

~ after Briana was born (I wasn’t married and only 21) she told me that I should have my tubes tied so I couldn’t have any more kids.

~ when Briana was about 6 months old, in another fight with my mother, she accused me of child abuse.

~ when Keara was born and I called her to tell her, her response to me when she heard my voice on the other line was “please don’t tell me you had that baby already” (she had just gotten home from my sister’s house helping her with her son for the past two weeks).

~ when I was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time, I had a bilateral mastectomy and couldn’t hold or pick up my kids for an extended period of time, the two youngest were only 1 and 2, kinda needed some help.  Well again, we got into a fight about non other than my parenting (she has never agreed with how I parent, and that is her prerogative, but it is NOT her place to butt in and tell me how and when to parent my children) and she left and went back to Colorado.  I was still restricted on lifting but that didn’t matter to her, she couldn’t stay because she was mad at me.

~ after I was diagnosed the second time and then my dad died and I started treatment in Sioux City, it was decided that she would take me because Jason couldn’t take all those days off, but after the first cycle of treatment she couldn’t do it anymore, it was “too hard” on her.  Nevermind that it was ME who getting the poisons pumped into my body to keep me alive, but it was too hard on her.  WHATEVER!

~ one Christmas I was super sick and spent a good chunk of my time in bed because I felt horrible and needed to rest.  I was accused of faking it and because my sister and I got in to a fight during that time as well (big surprise)and that she had to do EVERYTHING, cook, entertain etc.

~ I didn’t talk to her much this past winter while she was living in Arizona because I was dealing with my own family and getting our house ready, she was not a high priority, but I had called her about something and the first words out of her mouth when she picked up her phone was: “well if it isn’t my long-lost daughter”.  Hey, the phone lines go both ways, I didn’t see her making an attempt to call me either but again…I am wrong.

~ when asked if we could put some of our wall hangings in her spare bedroom closet, she got pissed about it and asked why I couldn’t find a place in my BIG house?  Nevermind, I will ask my mother and father in law because they will store some of our stuff for us and not ask any questions.  And then a month later, she suddenly had a change of heart, only because she saw all the stuff that the in-laws were taking for us.  She couldn’t be upped by them.

~then the straw that broke the camel’s back was the fight on July 10th, 2017.  Again she was pissed off about how I was handling the discipline of my children.  Again….NOT her place, but I was done.  All she had done since she had come back from Arizona was complain, complain, complain about anything and everything.  I had enough.  On that day, I decided enough was enough, it was time to cut the strings to the relationship.  That is exactly what I did.  I blocked her on everything, so she couldn’t contact me.

Today we met at the bank to get my name off her bank accounts and I told my husband that she was NOT to speak to me or try to have a conversation with me while we were there.  She told him that she hasn’t talked to me since the 10th and she wasn’t about to start.  It was going just fine until the banker started talking about fraud on her account because I at one time had access to her account numbers and she said that she didn’t think that it would be the case, but then the banker said “well sometimes when a divorce happens with people it gets ugly, but that is not the case here”.  I, guess I should have kept my mouth closed but I didn’t, told the banker that this was  a divorce of a relationship.  Well it just got ugly from there.  I have come to realize what a HATEFUL woman she really is.  She will do and say anything to paint herself as the saint.  Because she still is claiming that “she has done nothing wrong”.  Whatever.  Never step up and take responsibility for your part in the fight, blame someone else.  The final nail in the coffin for her was when she looked at me and with contempt in her voice said “I wish I had never given birth to you” which in turn I said to her “and I wish you had never been my mother”.  My last words to her when I left the bank was “have a nice life, Linda”

So what is the purpose of this post?  Well I am here to expose the wolf portraying herself as the sheep.  I have NEVER claimed to be perfect and I am a sinner saved by God’s grace alone.  Only God knows my heart and only He knows how hard this life has been for me.  I have made my own share of mistakes and horrible parenting decisions with my children and I haven’t been the kind of wife God expects me to be, but I have confessed that to my husband and children.  And I have sought forgiveness from them.  I know how to say those 3 really hard words “I am sorry”.  Linda doesn’t know how to say those words because she is NEVER in the wrong.

Linda Enright is a narcissistic woman and unfortunately I have picked up many of those traits from her but something I have realized that she never will…..I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS MAD AT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ANYMORE!  I am working hard on breaking those family chains that bind me.  I am a much better person without her than I am with her.  I will NEVER regret this decision.

So what was my main purpose for exposing this truth?  Well because I am tired of hearing people tell me that “life is short”.  I know that life is short and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life, now or ever!  I will leave the comments on for this post but just remember that I moderate all comments and will not publish any comments that are negative, so if you don’t have anything nice to say please don’t leave a comment about this.  Until you have lived this life that I live and have dealt with all that I have dealt with in my life, you have no place to judge me.  Besides the only one who has the right to judge me and my choices in this life is God and God alone!

I had a post, Random thoughts, about toxic relationships in my life and removing them, I was talking about Linda and my brother Larry.  Larry is also now blocked from contacting me anymore.  He believes that I am mentally ill and that he needs to come and rescue Jason and my children from my insanity.  Again…..when did he become an expert on mental illness?  Someone’s opinion of me is no bearing on what CHRIST thinks of me!  Because no matter what I have done, said or who I have been in the PAST or even currently doesn’t change the fact that I am LOVED, I am BEAUTIFUL, and I am ENOUGH.  My life has been redeemed by the ONE who can redeem even the darkest of souls!  I will NEVER be perfect and I will always fall down, make mistakes or hurt those around me, because I am human and I am a sinner.  But CHRIST will never leave me, never forsake me and will ALWAYS be there to pick me up and love me with an unconditional, never ending love!

We all have battles we fight every single day!  This is a battle I am done fighting, chasing after a relationship that will never be there or be what I need!!  I have a couple of older women in my church who have come alongside me over the years who have been a motherly type for me.  Those two women have loved on me, helped me work thru some dark times in my life and marriage, they have prayed for me and with me, they are truly what the hands and feet of Jesus do for the hurting and I couldn’t ask for a better match for my needs at this time in my life!  Pat and Mary, thank you both for being there for me in the good times and the bad!  I love you ladies as if you are my own mother, and some days how I long that it was you who had given birth to me, but that is not the case!!  It is time for me to fix me and make my life better for myself, my husband, my kids and others around me.  Right, wrong or indifferent, this is my decision and one I will stand by until I am dead in the grave.  I want people to know that I am by no means condoning my choices and behaviors in my life but to give a better understanding of why I do the things that I do sometimes.  We are great imitators of our parents.  Passed down from generation to generation until someone tries to break the chains that bind them and that is exactly what I am doing.

With that I am going to end this post!  Please refrain from your negative comments!  This is my blog, I am writing from my heart and being transparent about who I am as a person.  I like to be open and honest in my posts.  I like to share my life, my struggles and my victories!! This is the place where I feel safe to share!!!  Just be a loving community!

In God’s grace alone,

Cathi

Middle of the night thoughts….

It’s after 1am and like usual I am wide awake and deep inside my head. I’m listening to Jason snore next to me and reflecting on so many things.

Thanksgiving was nice. Spent it in Brookings at my in-laws house with my family, his parents and his sister and her family. When your own kids get older and more self sufficient, you forget how busy little people can be. But it’s fun and makes me realize that I can’t wait for grandkids of my own. I have much to be thankful for this year and when the storms of life rage in my head I have a tendency to forget the many things that are right in my life! So that is where my thoughts are tonight….stuck in the past, but also trying to remember the present and also the future. Trying to get my mind and my soul back on the narrow road instead of in the ruts.

I’m also trying to figure out what I want to pursue in the next year as far as a hobby or something that will make me feel like I have meaning and purpose. I’m thinking about perhaps writing a book based on my life and the ups and downs of it. My struggles and my triumphs. I also want to start a ministry of some sort but definitely one that I can help women who may be struggling with their marriage, their kids or just the storms of life. I want to help someone thru a struggle that maybe I have endured and also to be able to show them that no matter the storm they are going thru that there IS hope. Hope in the ONE who created all things. Hope that no matter what may have happened that ALL things are possible when you lean in to the ONE who created you to be all that He imagined you to be. A new creation. A tapestry weaved together because we are all BEAUTIFUL masterpieces knit together for a purpose. But before I can truly get down to business and really figure this out, I must focus on helping Jason get our house finished so we can get moved and settled into our new beautiful home.

So this thanksgiving, I hope you reflected on your blessings, spent time with the ones you love most in life and basked in that love around you.

You are LOVED

You are BEAUTIFUL

You are ENOUGH

Not because those around you think so but because HE says so. Dance and sing for that audience of One!!!

Many blessings,

Cathi

TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY AND PRAISE ❤️😘🙏🏻

Random thoughts

This is my blog where I like to share my life and what is going on with my family and for the most part I like to keep it upbeat and hopeful but sometimes it is just nice to write what I am feeling and what is on my heart.  So today…that is this post.  I will be turning the comments off, as I don’t want a negative backlash thrown at me.  Because again this is my blog and I can write what I want, when I want! And if you don’t like it then just don’t read it!

People have said to me lately “life is short”…..yes I know life is short, I live it every single day having stage 4 breast cancer for the past 8 years.  I have lost so many beautiful women I have met either in person or online over the years.  Survivor’s guilt is what it is called.  Why am I still here?  Why is my current treatment working so well for me but doesn’t work for others?  Why am I seeing my children grow up when others don’t get to see theirs?  I don’t know the answers to those questions but I hold on to the One who does.

So with that being said…yes life is short and yes recently I have withdrawn myself from a few toxic relationships in my life.  But it is because life IS short that I have chosen this for myself.  When you are constantly put down, belittled, bullied, made to feel like my thoughts and feelings aren’t important and called names by those who claim to love you, why would one choose to stay around those kind of people?

Negative people, when around them too long, turn you into a negative person.  It has been over 4 months since I last talked to these people and I have not missed them one single bit.  I have not missed the constant negativity, nagging and belittling that I would endure on a (almost) daily basis.  One of those people had the nerve to call me mentally ill.  UMMMMM…..EXCUSE ME?!?!?!  Who suddenly gave you a PhD in mental health issues?  That’s what I thought….you should really look in the mirror and exam yourself because there are 3 fingers pointing back at you along with the 1 you are pointing at me.  Do I have issues?  Absolutely, I do!  I have been seeing a counselor for myself, a marriage counselor for my marriage and am also on antidepressants and anti anxiety pills.  I am FAR from perfect but I certainly would NEVER go around telling people what I think of them and what I feel is wrong with them.  Since when have I been appointed judge and jury?  I am not….that is God’s job.  My job is to love people and point them to Christ.  But these certain people I will have to love from afar, there will never be a relationship with them again, because I just can’t take it, I don’t know how I did for all these years.  Is that sad?  Of course it is, but again it is reality! I don’t regret my decision nor will I ever regret it.  I have to do what is best for me and my own family.  My husband and children.  They need a mother who is not constantly negative because of the forces around her.  My children know of my stance….but I have also told them that the decision is theirs as to whether or not they want to have a relationship with these people.  BUT….under no circumstances do they have to have a relationship with them if it is going to be nothing but negative, belittling and bullying.  NO ONE EVER HAS TO CHOOSE THAT!!!!  I don’t care who it is….THAT is never called for!

I have made my fair share of poor choices over the years and I have hurt many close to me with my words and by my actions.  And that is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.  There are many things that I have done or said to my husband and to my children that I literally HATE myself for and will hate myself for the rest of my life because of it.  But not only things I have said or done to my immediate family but to the rest of my family and my friends.  I am NOT proud of my behavior, but I recognize who I have been over the years and I have been making a conscious effort to change those things about me.  I have a little bit of narcissistic tendencies, that along with thinking everything needs to be about me!

I have learned A LOT about myself and those around me the last 4 months.  I have watched my relationships with my husband and my children flourish when I stop putting the focus on myself and my selfish needs but instead focus on their needs and what I can do for them.  It comes back to me tenfold.  The dynamics are so much better when I stop focusing on me and instead focus on them.  Like last week….my husband took the whole week off to work on the house.  I was there everyday by 9am working alongside him.  Not ONCE did we have an angry moment between us or a fight.  We got along so well and worked together as a team and got a TON of stuff done.  I don’t think a year ago we could have done that and certainly not even before then.  Our neighbor came over on Thursday and told us that he had enjoyed watching us work together and not once having a moment where one of us walked away in anger.  We just kind of laughed and said that we have really been having fun working together.  When he walked away, I looked at Jason and said, “if only he knew….life and circumstances have come our way and have made us into new and stronger people and as a couple.”

Some people know of those struggles and others do not.  We don’t let everyone know of things going on.  We limit those things to the ones who love and care about us deeply and are close to us and will help us in any way they can.  Close friends have walked some serious dark roads with us over the years, they have never judged either of us, instead that have been the hands and feet of Jesus to us.  Showing us grace and mercy.  Crying with us in the bad times and rejoicing with us in the good times.  I can honestly say that without Jesus and these godly Christian men and women, we would not have survived some of the valleys we have been through.  And trust me when I say….there have been MANY dark valleys.

Each day we learn to look to Jesus when the going gets tough and for me that has been no exception this week.  I have spent a better part of the last couple of days in tears, curled up on my bed in a puddle of tears asking Jesus to take the hurt of life away.  To take horrible memories away from my mind and to instead replace it with His love and mercy and grace.  And He does, He really does.  Some moments are easier than others, but I do my best to focus on today.  Yesterday is over and can’t be changed or rewritten, all we have is today.  I am trying my best to focus on today and only today!  Some days it is easier said than done!

One thing remains…..I love my husband and my kids with all my heart and I would die for them.  Literally, I would step in front of a bus for them.  They have been entrusted to me for a purpose and for many years I didn’t nurture those relationships, but now there is no time like the present to take care of and nurture those relationships!  They are my whole world and I will stop at nothing to keep things intact.

So with that being said….I think I end this post.  Life is short and when facing a serious illness it seems like it could be even shorter.  But I am still here 8 years later and obviously for a bigger purpose than I could ever dream or imagine!  One day everything that I have gone through in my whole life, from my crappy childhood, to why I got cancer not once but twice, the struggles in my marriage, my children rebelling, and everything else that has happened to me over the years, it will all make sense when I stand face to face with my Savior.  But by then it will no longer matter or even be relevant. Because I will be in a place where there will be no more sadness, heartache or tears!  I will be in the presence of my KING!  Oh how I long for that day!

Have an awesome Tuesday evening!  My love to all!

In HIS service,

Cathi

8 years and a house update

So 8 years ago today my life forever changed.  I still remember what I was doing when the call came in from my oncologist’s office.  The results of my bone biopsy were back.  And it was official.  My breast cancer had returned to my bones and surrounding lymph nodes.  It was a shock but yet I was prepared for it and I had been preparing my heart for the worse since the biopsy was done.  I prayed for a miracle, and I truly believed that a miracle was going to happen, but that was not a part of God’s plan for my life.  So my prayers instead shifted to finding a treatment that would work and to allow me the chance to raise my babies, who were only 14, 9, 6 and 5 at the time.  It was a long shot and my oncologist was only so hopeful, 50/50 shot at remission.  Even my current oncologist had told me in the beginning that we are only holding off the inevitable, death.  But she was willing to fight for me which my other oncologist was not.  And fight for me she did!  I truly believe that is why I am still here today.  She has fought for the treatments that have extended my life by leaps and bounds.  I truly am a walking miracle!  Never say that miracles don’t happen because I am proof that they do and that God does answer prayers!  I am here, I am well and my cancer is quiet, thanks in part to the trial drug that I am on and have been on for 3 1/2 years now.  God is good and He is merciful and full of grace!  He has answered so many of our prayers, not just mine and my families but my church family and the many extended family and friends we have.  Those babies of mine are now 22, 17, 14 and 13.  It is only because of God and His path for my life that I am still here, along with medical science of course, but His hand is in that as well because of the people that He has placed in my path along the way!  So today I celebrate my life and all the blessings that God has given me over the years!  I will take each setback, heartache and wrong turn with a little bit of grace because while this is not the path I would have chosen for myself, this is the path that God has given me!  I am His vessel and I will allow Him to use me in anyway He deems fit!  Even my stage 4 cancer.  So I will keep plugging on and I will keep praying that God will continue to allow me to raise the rest of my babies at home!  To HIM be all the glory and praise!

 

Now on to the house…..oye!  That is slowly coming along.  We have all our subs in there this week doing all their work.  Sheetrock will be dropped next Tuesday and then let the fun begin!!  We have been working like crazy on this house and some days it feels like we have accomplished a lot and other days it feels like we haven’t done squat.  Our goal is to be in by Christmas but that will remain to be seen.  By Thanksgiving we should have a good idea what our deadline will be.  We are hopeful but we will see.  It would be so amazing to spend Christmas day in our new home, but if not then I guess I will have to be okay with it!  We are spending all our free time at the house and all weekend.  There is really no time for a life right now but soon we will have all the time in the world to spend with each other.  We are getting by and are so thankful for this rental that we are in.  The weather is cold and dreary and I could only imagine what it would be like for us if we were still living in the camper.  Thankful that we aren’t but we sure are ready to have a place to call our own!  Anyway….I have included some pictures of the progress on our house!  it is starting to look like a home more and more every day!  Exciting times!!!!  Have a blessed Thursday and make today a GREAT one!  I love you all!

 

 

In His grace,

Cathi

Tuesday

Last night ended up being by far the most amazing night EVER!  It was coronation and we were happy to just have a daughter as part of the royalty court never dreaming that she would win!  But she did and was crowned homecoming queen!  I got a little choked up and teary eyed!  I just couldn’t believe it!  I think it took her by surprise as well.  She told me before she left for coronation that she didn’t even prepare an acceptance speech because she was sure she wasn’t gonna win!  So she had to wing her speech last night!  Then it was off to power puff football where once again for the second year in a row the class were the champions beating the freshman and the sophomores!  What a great feeling for this class!  Today the dress up theme is “classic parent” day!  Keara dressed up as her dad, Colby chose not to dress up and Chop had early morning band this morning so I have no idea if she even dressed up or not!  Guess they didn’t want to dress up like their mom 😉 can’t say that I blame them, how do you dress up as a stay at home mom??? Along with this post are some of the highlights from last night!  Tonight we have a home soccer game so we will be watching some soccer tonight and then hopefully tomorrow night we will be working a little bit more on the house.  The house is kind of on the back burner this week while we get thru homecoming and soccer games!  Then it will be back at it full force by Saturday afternoon!  Anyway….that is all I have for today.  Enjoy the pictures!

Cathi

scans, homecoming, life and the 1 year anniversary

OH MY GOSH!!!!! This has been a crazy and emotional week and it’s only Wednesday!  I hope the emotions will take a back seat soon, pull my head out of my backside and start being filled with joy!

I have A LOT to be happy and praiseworthy about this week but I am stuck in the past and the road I have traveled down this past year!  Am I glad that the 1 year anniversary is almost here, goodness NO, I wish I could skip over this day for the rest of my life.  It has been almost a year (Saturday the 9th it will be) since the landscape of my life changed.  The day that I learned that a “friend” (and I use that term loosely, as they never really were a friend to me after all) completely betrayed me and tried to destroy my happiness and my life!  While it has been a LONG and some days TOUGH road I have been on and it has shaped me into a different person, I am far from perfect but this has really made me step back and realize all I had been taking for granted in my life.  I am a different person than just a year ago….the hurt of my heart is still very, very deep, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat and memories that come flooding back still take my breath away.  BUT….I am determined to move past it each moment of each day and focus on here and now.  The past can’t be changed or rewritten but boy some days I do wish I could rewrite it, because I would go back and make sure that this “friend” had never entered my life.  But you just never know the true character of some people until it is too late!  Unfortunately I learned the hard way!  So I am trying to get thru the next several days with a little grace and a little mercy and just a little bit of my sanity left.  To that former “friend”….all I can say is THANK YOU!!! You may have hurt me and tried to destroy me but you didn’t win in the end!  I did!  You made me realize how lucky I am for the life I have been blessed with and for the people I have in my life!!!  Pretty sad that you are who you are and have no thoughts, feelings or regrets about your actions towards others you only think of yourself, that’s a pretty sad existence if you ask me!!!!  I, for one am glad that you are no longer in my life or anyone I care about either!

Thankful for our house building project to keep my mind occupied (as much as I will allow it anyway) along with GREAT scan results today AND that my daughter was nominated to the homecoming royalty court!

So with that I will add my GREAT news from today!  So I started on my cancer drug, Veliparib, for my stage 4 breast cancer, in April of 2014.  When I started this drug I was very, very sick.  Chemo was DESTROYING my body.  My platelets and hemoglobin were tanked out, my whites couldn’t really keep up anymore and I was battling a fierce cold/strep throat.  I took my last chemo infusion the end of February 2014.  I took a break the month of March while I prayed, asked questions and researched the snot out of this trial drug my oncologist wanted to start me on.  I still remember the day that I made the decision to go on the drug.  I was eating breakfast at my kitchen table and I was having a frank and hard conversation with God about all of this.  I heard Him tell me…..”Why are you NOT trusting me.  you have been begging me to open this door for you and now I have and you are wavering about whether or not to go on this drug”  “TRUST ME, I know what I am doing”.  I sat back and started to cry.  He was so right (but then again when isn’t God right?) Why was I questioning everything and not trusting HIM?????  I am so glad that God spoke to me that day.  So I started the drug, was scanned every 8 weeks until the one year mark and then we decided to bump scans out to every 12 weeks.  Then last October my oncologist wanted to bump scans out again to every 16 weeks.  Today….she decided that she wanted to bump my scans out to every 6 MONTHS!!!!!  For probably the past 2 1/2 – 3 years my scans have all been showing stable disease!  That liver lesion that is still there is not active and the radiologist thinks that it is just dead tumor.  It doesn’t grow and it hasn’t shrunk in probably 1 1/2 years now.  I really shouldn’t be here anymore.  Life span from diagnosis to death for stage 4 breast cancer is about 18 months.  I will celebrate 8 YEARS in November!  8 YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?!  Say what?  More and more women are living longer lives with this disease than ever before and I can say that I am ONE OF THEM!!!!  My GREAT PHYSICIAN has been watching over me and has been in control of this whole thing the whole time.  He has put people and drugs in my path for me to discover.  He has been answering all our prayers (mine, my family and my church family) over the past almost 8 years!  My BIGGEST prayer over the years has been and continues to be…..”let me raise my babies”.  Remember these babies were just 14, 9, 6 1/2 and 5 1/2.  They are now 22, 17, 14 1/2 and 13.  I saw my oldest graduate from high school AND vo-tech!  My second born is a senior this year so I will see her graduate as well.  My son is a freshman and my youngest is in 8th grade.  I PRAY I will get to see those last 2 graduate! God has been gracious, merciful and faithful all these years, I unfortunately have not been faithful to Him.  That makes me sad and I cry because of it.  As my BFF reminded me today…THAT is why we need Jesus!  He give us grace and mercy even tho we don’t deserve it!  He LOVES us unconditionally!  His mercies are new every morning, great is HIS faithfulness!!!  So I will keep trucking along on my study drug and see what March 2018 scans show!

Lastly my daughter, Mikayla, was nominated to the homecoming royalty court yesterday!  I am so EXCITED about this!  She tells me to call down, we don’t need to go shopping for a dress and that I need to stop making such a big deal out of it! BUT…..to me it IS a BIG DEAL!!!!  I am so excited for her!  What an honor to be nominated!  She may be in a small class, in a small town but to me that doesn’t matter, she was still given an honor!  So coronation will be Monday night!  I, for one, will be there with my big fancy camera taking a BAJILLION (I know it’s not a word but hey, I can make up whatever I want) pictures! And just soaking in the magical moment that I never thought I would get to see!  Even if she doesn’t win I am totally ok with that, just having her up there is enough for me to beam with a little bit of pride!!!!!

So that is where I am at.  Things are crazy busy with soccer season and house building.  I will try and get some pictures from the house build posted this coming weekend.  We have walls up and we are hoping to get some roof trusses put up this weekend as well!  We shall see!  It is slowly starting to look like a house, we are slowly getting out of the ground.  I have been trying to help my husband out as much as possible but I have been having some serious pain the last few weeks, yesterday scans showed what that pain was…..another fractured rib.  I swear…..this frozen shoulder of mine has been causing me all kinds of problems over the years!  So I am sidelined from helping for the time being so I am starting to look for some subs to hire out for some of the work so it will take some of the load off my husband, that way he can concentrate on other things with the house build. Hopefully Sunday night I will be able to get a post up with some pictures otherwise I will wait until Monday!  Next week I might be posting every day!  It is homecoming after all and the kids dress up, have powder puff games and the parade on Friday.  Plus coronation Monday night!  We also have 3, yes 3 soccer games next week as well!  Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday!  Thankfully they are all at home!  But it will be a crazy week for sure….add building a house to the mix and this mom might just lose her ever loving mind!!!!

That is all I have for now!  I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday evening!  To God be all the glory and praise!!!

In His service,

Cathi

 

One month

It is laundry day so I am at the laundromat and thought this would be a great time to put up a new blog post.

We have been in the camper for one month now and while some days have been hard, others have been awesome! We have been learning to take it one day at a time and try not to sweat the small stuff. Again….some days we have weathered the storm better than others. Last Sunday we were approached by our kids’ former school bus driver. He has a rental that was recently vacated on August 1st, he heard we were living in a camper so he asked us if we would like to rent it while we build.  Naturally we jumped at the opportunity. We will move next week. A house, with a kitchen, 2 bedrooms and a bathroom with running water. AND a washer and dryer in the basement, so tonight is my last trip to the laundromat. WOO-HOO!!! We are excited for this door God has opened for us. He ALWAYS takes care of His children. 

The house building is coming along slowly. Tomorrow we will be pouring our basement floors after it decided to rain on Wednesday. Hopefully by early to middle of next week we will be putting down floor trusses. Then watch out……things are gonna get EXCITING!!  This is my FAVORITE part of the build….watching the walls come up and the house start to take shape. Where I can actually start imagining my life there with my kids and hubby!!! Don’t get me wrong I do envision my life there with my family, creating new and exciting memories, it just hard to envision how the house will look. Just what the blueprint says it will look like, but there will be changes to the print of course. It’s an exciting time in our lives. 

Soccer season starts tomorrow night with our first game of the season! Excited and sad because this is our final soccer season unless our youngest decides to play next year as a freshman. We plan to make it to every single one of her games. Supporting and cheering her and the team on!!! Praying for an awesome season!

We will be trial running senior pics next week! I am excited to see how well my new camera takes pics. I am especially excited to see how well it does at the game tomorrow night. 

All in all….life is clicking along, we are getting stronger as a family. Sticking together in times of crisis, and yes there has been plenty of that lately. But we are choosing to stay positive, hold on tight to each other and remove negative influences from our lives, my life especially. Life is too short to continue to hold on to something that just isn’t there and never has been my whole life. My life is much calmer and pleasant now without those influences. Sad….but we all have to make hard choices in life to keep our own mind and heart safe and healthy. 

Hopefully next week I will get some pics up from the house. We also have a birthday celebration next week too! My amazing husband turns 41 😳! Say what?!?! Yep….hopefully we will get some celebrating done in between school meetings. 

Yes….school meetings, school starts 2 weeks from today. 😫😫😱 I’m ready but I’m not. It has been an amazing summer with my kids. It has been an adventure for sure. Memories to last a lifetime!!!! 

Anyway……that is all from me for now. Until next time……

In HIS service,

Cathi

Sometimes…..

Sometimes my thoughts run away with me…….

Sometimes I wish I were someone else……

Sometimes I just can’t help but wonder “why me?”…….

Sometimes I wonder “why wasn’t I good enough?”……

Sometimes I want to give up…….

Sometimes I think that God is punishing me for all my sins……

When the “sometimes” of life drag me down and I feel like I’m gonna drown in my sorrow, I remember this…..

My thoughts are not God’s thoughts…..

God made me for a purpose and this is my life….

Why not me?!?!……

In God’s eyes I will ALWAYS be good enough……

I can’t give up….I’m NOT a quitter……

God isn’t punishing me….He paid a heavy price for me. I am bought and paid for by the Blood of the Lamb……

As I lay here and listen to my husband sleep, I’m reminded of how lucky I really am. God has blessed my life with so many good things!!! Even in the midst of the hard and sometimes ugly moments, my life is FULL of blessings.

I am married to THE most amazing man. He is the diamond in the rough. He is a sinner saved by grace. He comes with flaws and baggage too, but he is MINE, hand chosen by God to walk thru this life with me. I’m blessed!!!

I have 4 healthy, strong and stubborn kids. Again they each have their own flaws and baggage, but they were given to me by God to raise, nurture and love thru this life, in the good times and bad. I’m blessed!!!

I was given a stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis, was told 50/50 shot at remission, stats said I wouldn’t live longer than 18 months, I’ve been at this for almost 8 years! 8 years!! I’m blessed!!!

So even in my woe is me moments and I’m having a hard time seeing the rainbow 🌈 thru the clouds, I am reminded how blessed I really am. God has a way of giving me a sign or bringing a memory to mind. Tonight that reminder was a small rainbow streak in the clouds, I smiled when I saw it and I thought of my dad. Why my dad I’ll never know but I am blessed! Beyond measure!!! 

One of my favorite songs…..read the lyrics and watch the video and you’ll see why. 

Who I am by Blanca

Another voice, another choice

To listen to words somebody said

Another day

I replay

One too many doubts inside my head

Am I strong, beautiful

Am I good enough

Do I belong, after all

That I’ve said and done

Is it real, when I feel

I don’t measure up

Am I loved

I’m running to the One who knows me

Who made every part of me in His hands

I’m holding to the One who holds me

‘Cause I know whose I am, I know who I am

I am sure, I am Yours

Turning down

Tuning out

Every single word

That caused me pain

Unashamed

And unafraid

‘Cause I believe You mean it when You say

I am strong, beautiful

I am good enough

I belong after all

‘Cause of what You’ve done

This is real, what I feel

No one made it up

I am loved

I’m running to the One who knows me

Who made every part of me in His hands

I’m holding to the One who holds me

‘Cause I know whose I am, I know who I am

I am sure I am Yours

I know who I am

I am sure I am Yours

Fearfully

Wonderfully

Perfectly

You have made me

I’m running to the One who knows me, yeah

I’m holding to the One who holds me, holds me, holds me

I’m running to the One who knows me

Who made every part of me in His hands (You made me)

I’m holding to the One who holds me (I’m holding on to You)

‘Cause I know whose I am, I know who I am

I am sure I am Yours (I am Yours)

I am sure I am Yours

And I know who I am

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1IvlRQ30Ibg

God’s grace is sufficient to cover all my sins. I am everything He created me to be and so much more! I am BLESSED!

By His grace alone,

Cathi

House pictures

Wanted to get some pictures up of the progress so far. It is slowly coming together.  We wish it was done but we also keep reminding ourselves that we are saving money in the long run by doing this. We will reap the benefits when we sell!!! A buddy of Jason’s has been helping us the last couple  of nights and that has been HUGE!!!! Many hands make for more work getting done! This will be a busy weekend getting the rest of the walls up and ready for mud hopefully on Monday! We are surviving camping life, one day at a time. Hard to believe tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we drove away from our house for the last time. Time sure is clipping by quickly! School is right around the corner and that should prove to be very interesting. 3 kids showering and getting ready every morning with one bathroom 😂 I laugh about it now but I’m sure I won’t be laughing much next month 😳 we will see! It’s all good and we will get thru this too! Happy Thursday! Have a great weekend!!!

In His grace,

Cathi

Day 5

We have been in the camper for 4 days now. It has been interesting to say the least.  Things kind of went south yesterday but I guess that was going to happen eventually. There is only so much a person can take before they blow.  And blow I did.

Was it a proud moment for me? Absolutely not and I know my words and actions disappointed God, He is the only one I need to get approval from and who I need to please. I realized yesterday that I have been chasing the approval of someone who no matter what I do will never be good enough.  So I am done.  Done chasing after things that just won’t be any different. The negativity is stifling and exhausting.  I just can’t do it anymore. My focus is on my marriage, my kids, the building of our house and most of all my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ.  And that’s the way it’s gonna be.

So today is a new day and my mind is better and my kids are slowly getting into a routine. It is hard and we are trying to remind them that this is not the most ideal situation and we wish it were different but that we all need to make the best of it and look at it as an adventure.  We MUST stick together and we MUST be kind to each other with our words and actions.  It will be hard some days but this is not a permanent situation, it is only temporary and we must look ahead to what we will get at the end.  A brand new house, to live in and make more amazing memories together. When things get tough we must remember to seek God for grace and mercy for the moment. When mountains seem unmovable, HE CAN MOVE THEM!!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻

One day at a time, and one foot in front of the other.  We will get thru this small bump in the road.  One of these days I will share some photos of the progress on our house.  For now….I would covet your prayers for peace, grace and mercy for my husband, kids and myself. His grace is sufficient for me and my family.
Grace and peace to you today,

Cathi

And so it begins…..

It is after midnight and once again I find myself not able to sleep….which really isn’t anything new but so many things running through my mind tonight that makes it hard to sleep!

We will close on our house 15 hours from now. So many emotions going into this that it is even hard to begin to put them into words.  We have spent the last 11 years of our lives in this house.  We have seen our kids grow in this house.  The walls could tell some fascinating stories if they could talk.  We have had our fair share of hard times here but we have also had our share of good times as well.  I am ready to say goodbye to this house that means so much to me but yet I loathe for so many other reasons.

I am scared for this next chapter.  5 people, 3 of which are teenagers, living in a camper while we build our house from the ground up.  It will be interesting to say the least and hopefully it will be something that our kids will talk about for a very long time.  I hope that they will also look back on this time and say “hey, my parents were totally crazy for doing this but what a great memory!”

So today we will spend our last few hours in this house, we will say our goodbyes and we will walk into the future with our heads held high and hold tight to God as we venture forward.  Because with HIM all things are possible…even living in a camper for the next 5 months!

I know there is more I could write but words just fail me right now so I will end this post!

Until next time,

Cathi

4th of July!

This will be our very last 4th of July at our place in the country.  We close on our house this Friday and broke ground today on our new home that we are building!  It is very exciting and scary all wrapped into one!  Part of me is ready and the other part of me is SCARED out of my mind!

This is a new chapter in our lives.  A sort of “starting over” time.  Laying the past to rest and moving ahead into the future!  We are all different people now, molded and changed by circumstances in our lives!  So we see this as a new chapter, new beginning.  New home, new surroundings, city living again instead of country living.

I am stressed out right now and I am hoping after Friday I will relax a little bit.  I won’t have a camper, a house and a new house all at once to deal with.  My current house will no longer be on my long list of things to get done.  My camper is a small area and won’t need much cleaning and upkeep.  And my new home is just a hole in the ground right now!

So today we will celebrate our FREEDOM!  Celebrate our girls’ birthdays (their birthdays are 8 days apart) and have family over for fun, food, games and a little bit of fireworks!  We will be sure to make this year go out with a “bang”! LOL!!!

My prayer for the week: to keep everything in perspective and not let the little things get to me!  To allow God to work in my life and in the process of working in my life, reach others around me as well!  God works in mysterious ways!  And He is good all.the.time!

Happy 4th of July!  Celebrate in style but be safe as well!

With Grace,

Cathi