What a bizarre title for this post….but it is something that has stuck with me for the past 11 years since a huge fight divided my family and has stayed that way even to this day.
My brother, Mike, always said that our parents, especially our mother was the wolf in sheep’s clothing. I tried to make the best of a bad situation and try to see my parents for who they were. Flawed humans who did the best they could with the resources they had to raise us. But what he said always stuck with me. In June of this year, that brother and I started to work on our relationship. We hadn’t spoken in over 7 years but it has always been my hearts desire to reconcile with him before I died. God has a way of making those things happen in HIS timing and not mine and I am grateful that He has opened that door for us to begin to rebuild and that is what we have been doing for the past 6 months. Never have I held it against him, instead I just asked that God would allow us to have a relationship again some day, even though I knew that no one else would be as forgiving or wanting to make amends. That’s fine, to each their own!
This summer, 4 days after we moved into the camper, I had a HUGE blowup fight with my mother, Linda. I no longer call her mother, she may have given birth to me but that is where it ends. She is no longer allowed in my life and my kids had the choice to stay in touch with her if they wanted, but after today, Jason and I BOTH decided that until our children are adults we will do whatever it takes to protect our kids from that woman, not that it matters anyway, she hasn’t had anything to do with them since the fight anyways. She told my two oldest girls to leave her alone, so that is what they did. They did as she asked, left her alone, but I will be blamed for her not seeing them or talking to them, sorry people, that was HER choice. But now she doesn’t have that choice. Until my younger 3 turn 18 they will have no contact with her.
After the blowup I read a book that completely opened my eyes, “Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers” by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. In every page I turned, everything I read was me and my “relationship” with her. I realized who Linda was as a person and all the things that she has done to me my whole life. Trust me when I say this is the BEST thing for me, mentally, emotionally and physically. People see Linda as this wonderful woman who loves her family and would do anything and everything for them. unfortunately that is NOT the case with me. She is in fact the opposite. If you cross her, don’t bow down to her demands or if you stand up to her, she will cut you off at the knees. She is never wrong, she never does anything wrong and any fight or upset in the family is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS my fault. I am the cause, period. Here are a few things that maybe you didn’t know about (because I wanted to see the best of my mother even in her flaws and never talked about it)
~ after Briana was born (I wasn’t married and only 21) she told me that I should have my tubes tied so I couldn’t have any more kids.
~ when Briana was about 6 months old, in another fight with my mother, she accused me of child abuse.
~ when Keara was born and I called her to tell her, her response to me when she heard my voice on the other line was “please don’t tell me you had that baby already” (she had just gotten home from my sister’s house helping her with her son for the past two weeks).
~ when I was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time, I had a bilateral mastectomy and couldn’t hold or pick up my kids for an extended period of time, the two youngest were only 1 and 2, kinda needed some help. Well again, we got into a fight about non other than my parenting (she has never agreed with how I parent, and that is her prerogative, but it is NOT her place to butt in and tell me how and when to parent my children) and she left and went back to Colorado. I was still restricted on lifting but that didn’t matter to her, she couldn’t stay because she was mad at me.
~ after I was diagnosed the second time and then my dad died and I started treatment in Sioux City, it was decided that she would take me because Jason couldn’t take all those days off, but after the first cycle of treatment she couldn’t do it anymore, it was “too hard” on her. Nevermind that it was ME who getting the poisons pumped into my body to keep me alive, but it was too hard on her. WHATEVER!
~ one Christmas I was super sick and spent a good chunk of my time in bed because I felt horrible and needed to rest. I was accused of faking it and because my sister and I got in to a fight during that time as well (big surprise)and that she had to do EVERYTHING, cook, entertain etc.
~ I didn’t talk to her much this past winter while she was living in Arizona because I was dealing with my own family and getting our house ready, she was not a high priority, but I had called her about something and the first words out of her mouth when she picked up her phone was: “well if it isn’t my long-lost daughter”. Hey, the phone lines go both ways, I didn’t see her making an attempt to call me either but again…I am wrong.
~ when asked if we could put some of our wall hangings in her spare bedroom closet, she got pissed about it and asked why I couldn’t find a place in my BIG house? Nevermind, I will ask my mother and father in law because they will store some of our stuff for us and not ask any questions. And then a month later, she suddenly had a change of heart, only because she saw all the stuff that the in-laws were taking for us. She couldn’t be upped by them.
~then the straw that broke the camel’s back was the fight on July 10th, 2017. Again she was pissed off about how I was handling the discipline of my children. Again….NOT her place, but I was done. All she had done since she had come back from Arizona was complain, complain, complain about anything and everything. I had enough. On that day, I decided enough was enough, it was time to cut the strings to the relationship. That is exactly what I did. I blocked her on everything, so she couldn’t contact me.
Today we met at the bank to get my name off her bank accounts and I told my husband that she was NOT to speak to me or try to have a conversation with me while we were there. She told him that she hasn’t talked to me since the 10th and she wasn’t about to start. It was going just fine until the banker started talking about fraud on her account because I at one time had access to her account numbers and she said that she didn’t think that it would be the case, but then the banker said “well sometimes when a divorce happens with people it gets ugly, but that is not the case here”. I, guess I should have kept my mouth closed but I didn’t, told the banker that this was a divorce of a relationship. Well it just got ugly from there. I have come to realize what a HATEFUL woman she really is. She will do and say anything to paint herself as the saint. Because she still is claiming that “she has done nothing wrong”. Whatever. Never step up and take responsibility for your part in the fight, blame someone else. The final nail in the coffin for her was when she looked at me and with contempt in her voice said “I wish I had never given birth to you” which in turn I said to her “and I wish you had never been my mother”. My last words to her when I left the bank was “have a nice life, Linda”
So what is the purpose of this post? Well I am here to expose the wolf portraying herself as the sheep. I have NEVER claimed to be perfect and I am a sinner saved by God’s grace alone. Only God knows my heart and only He knows how hard this life has been for me. I have made my own share of mistakes and horrible parenting decisions with my children and I haven’t been the kind of wife God expects me to be, but I have confessed that to my husband and children. And I have sought forgiveness from them. I know how to say those 3 really hard words “I am sorry”. Linda doesn’t know how to say those words because she is NEVER in the wrong.
Linda Enright is a narcissistic woman and unfortunately I have picked up many of those traits from her but something I have realized that she never will…..I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS MAD AT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ANYMORE! I am working hard on breaking those family chains that bind me. I am a much better person without her than I am with her. I will NEVER regret this decision.
So what was my main purpose for exposing this truth? Well because I am tired of hearing people tell me that “life is short”. I know that life is short and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life, now or ever! I will leave the comments on for this post but just remember that I moderate all comments and will not publish any comments that are negative, so if you don’t have anything nice to say please don’t leave a comment about this. Until you have lived this life that I live and have dealt with all that I have dealt with in my life, you have no place to judge me. Besides the only one who has the right to judge me and my choices in this life is God and God alone!
I had a post, Random thoughts, about toxic relationships in my life and removing them, I was talking about Linda and my brother Larry. Larry is also now blocked from contacting me anymore. He believes that I am mentally ill and that he needs to come and rescue Jason and my children from my insanity. Again…..when did he become an expert on mental illness? Someone’s opinion of me is no bearing on what CHRIST thinks of me! Because no matter what I have done, said or who I have been in the PAST or even currently doesn’t change the fact that I am LOVED, I am BEAUTIFUL, and I am ENOUGH. My life has been redeemed by the ONE who can redeem even the darkest of souls! I will NEVER be perfect and I will always fall down, make mistakes or hurt those around me, because I am human and I am a sinner. But CHRIST will never leave me, never forsake me and will ALWAYS be there to pick me up and love me with an unconditional, never ending love!
We all have battles we fight every single day! This is a battle I am done fighting, chasing after a relationship that will never be there or be what I need!! I have a couple of older women in my church who have come alongside me over the years who have been a motherly type for me. Those two women have loved on me, helped me work thru some dark times in my life and marriage, they have prayed for me and with me, they are truly what the hands and feet of Jesus do for the hurting and I couldn’t ask for a better match for my needs at this time in my life! Pat and Mary, thank you both for being there for me in the good times and the bad! I love you ladies as if you are my own mother, and some days how I long that it was you who had given birth to me, but that is not the case!! It is time for me to fix me and make my life better for myself, my husband, my kids and others around me. Right, wrong or indifferent, this is my decision and one I will stand by until I am dead in the grave. I want people to know that I am by no means condoning my choices and behaviors in my life but to give a better understanding of why I do the things that I do sometimes. We are great imitators of our parents. Passed down from generation to generation until someone tries to break the chains that bind them and that is exactly what I am doing.
With that I am going to end this post! Please refrain from your negative comments! This is my blog, I am writing from my heart and being transparent about who I am as a person. I like to be open and honest in my posts. I like to share my life, my struggles and my victories!! This is the place where I feel safe to share!!! Just be a loving community!
In God’s grace alone,