I couldn’t tell you the exact moment that my husband made that reference to me, but it has become a recurring theme between us.
In early 2015, our marriage took a sharp turn, straight south. We tried counseling, doing more things together but nothing seemed to change. Our marriage stayed that way until September 2016, when it completely blew apart, at that moment we had to make a decision ~ do we stay and fight for our marriage or do we walk away?
Obviously we chose to stay and fight for our marriage. My husband decided to delete all his social media accounts and I look a bit of time off from them to focus on not only my marriage, but myself as well.
We both realized that we had walked away from our Lord, were so unhappy in our marriage and pretty much living for the world, we were looking everywhere else for our happiness instead of each other. It was devastating to us how far we had let ourselves fall. Instead of loving and building each other up, we were nasty and tearing each other down with our words and our actions. We definitely were not acting like the Christians we had proclaimed to be back in the summer of 2006 when we were baptized by immersion after having accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior.
Since then we have been working on putting the pieces of our marriage and our lives back together. 2 years later and I don’t feel like I am any further along than I was that September day in 2016. I have had my moments where I think I’m moving forward and my marriage is getting better but then something happens and I retreat, or in another word, I fall down the rabbit hole. Sometimes I fall way down that hole and I become bitter and angry, and I stay there for a really long time. My words and actions become my weapons and they are aimed at one person only….my husband. Unfortunately, my children get caught in the crossfire as well.
A couple of weeks ago I had a break. It seemed like EVERYTHING was coming down on me at once. Everywhere I turned, my life was crumbling around me. My family was falling apart and I was helpless. I woke the next day determined to do something about it. It was time to seriously work on myself, my marriage, my family, not only that but my anger and bitterness towards the past, the deep bone crushing hurts, the hurts that will forever leave scars.
I dived right in with the work. I knew it was gonna be hard and it was gonna hurt but I needed to do this in order to stay out of the rabbit hole, that hole I kept allowing the enemy of my soul to lead me down. Besides my daily bible readings (I’m reading thru the Bible in one year again), I have two devotionals I read every day, one by Oswald Chambers and the other by Paul David Tripp. But then I added a book I have had for quite some time that I have never read. It’s called Loving God with all your mind by Elizabeth George. Every day I tackle 2-3 chapters and take lots of notes. As I have read and absorbed what I was learning, I have also been applying them to my life. I have watched God move, I have felt the Holy Spirit and I have noticed changes in my thoughts and mindset. This book has given me tools and I have been using them, especially when I sense the enemy leading me towards the rabbit hole. There are days when I feel the enemy closing in, especially as the tears start to flow, but I straighten up, lift my chin and say “not today Satan. That is not true or real, I bind you in the name of Jesus”! When I focus on the moment, not the past, I keep myself from falling down the rabbit hole.
I have a new book I’m gonna start as soon as I’m done with this book. My pastor had it sent to me. It is Victory over the darkness by Neil T. Anderson. Excited to start that book and truly find the victory that I am needing and craving so desperately. After that is the new book by Lysa Terkeurst, It’s not suppose to be this way, that just released last week. Along with continuing to read scripture and applying them daily to my life, I will see victory. In the meantime I keep just plugging away one moment at a time because honestly that is all we have. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has worries of its own, so we have right here, right now, THIS moment! Make it count!!
Make it count!! How will you spend today? What will you do to make it count?
Again, if you want to chat feel free to contact me! I would love to connect with you!
Make it count TODAY for Jesus!